Who pays the bill?
Nobody “has to” do anything. I'll start from here to write about the controversy in Caio Castro's statement regarding paying the bill on a date. After saying he doesn't mind paying the bill, he adds: “What bothers me a lot, a lot, is this feeling that I HAVE TO pay…”
Everyone pays. But reducing our role in society to gender only makes everything more expensive.
Nobody “has to” do anything. I'll start from here to write about the controversy in Caio Castro's statement regarding paying the bill on a date. After saying he doesn't mind paying the bill, he adds: “What bothers me a lot, a lot, is this feeling that I HAVE TO pay…”
And then I read some things like“but women spend money to get ready”. And the question remains: when you get ready to go out with a friend, does she pay the bill? Women who get ready “for men” reinforce a passive role for women, of patriarchy.
“But what about chivalry?”I don't like that word and prefer kindness, for the simple fact that it's always welcome, regardless of gender. Without reproducing obligations that only strengthen machismo.
“But I need to value myself”: the guy doesn't value you more for paying the bill. He can even do this by empowering you and encouraging you not to depend on him.Paying the bill by itself is not a demonstration of care and affection. Assuming that money is affection is precisely the opposite of valuing oneself. So yes, value yourselves, but don't confuse that with a paid bill.
There's no free lunch. No dinner. No date. The guy who feels obligated to pay is most likely reproducing patterns, and that can be costly for women in several situations, like women also “have to” do this, “have to” do that. And I “don't have to” do anything, just because I'm a woman.
Women who reproduce sexist behaviors and statements only reinforce that the guy should earn more, work more. And they get lost in triple shifts, by delegating the role of providers and taking on that of caregivers.
“But what about instincts? We cannot deny gender difference”. It takes great care not to confuse instinct and the natural with what has been normalized and culturally instituted. What is considered normal was determined by a society that grew based on relationships of submission and power. This has zero naturalness and is very violent for those who refuse to conform. Culture and imposed patterns have nothing to do with the natural and instinctive human being.
Money and power: NVC and the distribution of power.
Today, money represents power, and distributing power also means distributing income. Women are getting closer to having equal salaries and leadership positions. It's very contradictory to want to empower oneself and reproduce the idea that men should pay more.
Distributing power also means distributing speaking space: Can you honestly say “I don’t have money to go out” and talk about it? Or do you just stay silent and make up an excuse not to go? Or do you outsource the obligation to pay to someone else? Do you feel free to suggest another place or activity?
How to distribute this power in practice?
By talking and creating agreements that work for everyone in that relationship.
Honesty upfront, right from the first date. How long does it take for you to bring transparency to the relationship?Much is said about “roles” and little about affection, connection, and dialogue.
If there's mutual interest in sharing a moment, why would only one person pay?
Nobody is to blame for the violent patterns that already exist. But we have a responsibility to question them and try not to pass them on to future generations.
I hope, from the bottom of my heart, that men and women can be comfortable earning less than their partners and that they understand what truly matters to them in a loving relationship.